In which I argue with a (presumably) 40-year old man on the logicality of Fanfiction.

In the five years of writing fanfiction, I have never - not once!- received a negative review. This is not so much due to my outstanding and impeccable writing skills (hah!) as it is to a large and supportive crowd of humor-loving young adults.

But when my stories happen to stray upon the eyes of intellectual, marvelous forty-year old beings, such as Quheleth (a name of which I am certainly spelling wrong), a very different thing occurs.

Six months ago, I posted the notorious "Kentucky Fried Hippogriff," a small and poorly written fanfiction that attracted so much flamers, "My Immortal"* would have been proud.

My faint-heart could not take the flame, and I deleted it off the site before a full day had passed.

I recently got a request to publish it again - and because I've accepted the fact that hatuhs gonna hate (as I'm one myself) - I agreed.

I posted it on Sunday, and received my first review in nearly a minute. I braced myself - and it was a good thing I did.

I'm going to post dear Quheleth's comment assuming, as he had no problem publicizing his views to a fifteen year old girl, that he will have no problem having his views publicized on said fifteen year old girl's blog. (Qoheleth, if you so dearly disagree, just say the word and I'll remove this).

Qoheleth:

Dear Acciopencil:

The essential problem here is that the idea of a hippogriff fast-food chain simply isn't that funny. It's absurd, yes - no self-respecting wizard would eat a hippogriff, anymore than Muggles willingly eat horse meat - but it's not *cleverly* absurd, if you see what I mean. And it doesn't help that you made it a blatant rip-off of Kentucky Fried Chicken (for no logical reason, since most of the characters probably couldn't even find Kentucky on a map), and then didn't provide us with a scene where a Yum!-Brands executive with a magical child finds out about the trademark infringement and sues the company's robes off.

Of course, none of this would matter if it was really, genuinely silly. Then all the little inconsistencies would just be part of the fun. But the thing about that level of silliness is that it takes real nerve to pull it off; you have to be willing to say "To Tartarus with reason and common sense” and never look back. And I don’t think you’ve done that here. So my recommendation would be: Take it down again, rent and watch a few Marx Brothers movies, then rewrite it and hope the third time’s the charm.

Yours sincerely,

Qoheleth

My response:

Dear Qoheleth:

Based on your overly-pretentious username, manner, profile, and complimentary closing, I am quite alright with not impressing you. Instead, I marvel at why any talented being, such as yourself, would deign to review my - let me emphasize - fanfiction.

I am honored that you chose to pick apart the workings of a fifteen year old fan girl rather than work on your own fanfiction.

(But let's face it. If you're a forty-year old man who has nothing better to do than write /fanfiction/...

ouch.)

*Pretentious complimentary closing*
~ Acciopencil
His response:

Dear Acciopencil:

I see. You believe, then, that there is something about fanfiction that makes it pointless and absurd for any intelligent person to bother about it, whether this involves writing it himself or expecting quality from others who write it. May I ask why this is? Certainly, if you're right, I am wasting much of my life writing missionary Animorphs spinoffs and whatnot, so I would very much like to know.

Yours sincerely,
Qoheleth
My response:

Dear Qoheleth:

First and foremost:
I appologize for my impudence displayed in the earlier message. It was written in the heat of the moment, and I regret any offense you may have taken.

But, ah, quite the contrary, Monsieur Qoheleth! Fanfiction is a magnificent form of writing. Certainly you didn't think that I - as an ardent writer of fanfiction - would believe any otherwise.

I was doubly shocked that a great intellectual such as yourself had presumed I thought writing "Animorph spinoffs and what not" a waste of life. I wish to clarify.

Writing fanfiction is a wonderful past time - for young and old, talented and tyro, hard-core and casual fan. By no means are these stories wasting away what, I'm sure, is your marvelous and glorious existence.

However, it's the action of reading these fanfictions, openly flaming, and leaving pompous messages that is, Qoheleth, "wasting your life."

Why you chose to leave the immature and childish response to my story - out of envy or otherwise - I can not justify. Nor can I justify the reasons why an adult man would castigate the works of a young adult - when his own clearly are far from perfect.

Yours sincerely,
Acciopencil
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'll be the first to admit the level of our debate has reached immature and silly levels. But that's what happens if you mess with "The Pencil." Also, I managed to cleverly exercise a couple of vocab words we learned in English - so this wasn't all for naught.

~ Tianna

* My Immortal: An infamous Harry Potter fanfiction featuring a large collection of Mary-Sues and forever ridiculed by fellow fanfiction writers. I've read it before and, believe me, I lost a few brainc cells.